20 March 1718
I ain’t much fer writin’ but ma says I need to keep me thoughts on paper. Probably cuz da’s a lush ‘alf a’ time and forgets ‘is own bloomin’ name. She dun’ wan’ the same to ‘appen to me.
I’s names Phillip, by the way, same as mos’ o the other scallywags on the seven seas. Dun’ know ‘ow he could forget tha’.
As for me, I’m Yar TTomlliw. Well, tha’s how I spells it anyway, who knows if it’s right or wrong. Point is, I somehow blagged me a Sloop in a game o’ poker, bout the only thing I ever been good at, but now I want to make somethin’ of meself. Playin’ the accordion for doubloons can only get ye so far.
I were visitin’ a small island fer supplies when this mysterious lookin’ lass at some group called the Order of Souls says we ‘as things to discuss and beckoned me into her tent. Says I got a job fer you that can make you lots of gold. Jus’ as well as I couldn’t even afford a banana on me buskin’ tips. When did everythin’ get so expensive? Tho’ I probably shouldna’ trusted her, what with her readin’ minds and the candelit skulls ‘an ‘all tha’.
She told me to venture to some place called Crooks Hollow, had to find this pitiful crew of villians servin’ under Capt’n Lootin’ Liz Burton. They say Cap’n Liz has stolen some precious artefacts and there be a healthy bounty on her ‘ead. All I has to do is agree to the piratey code of conduct, get a crew, then find the scum and put their ‘eads on spikes, I’ll be a hero in these parts if I do. I says that sounds easy and my kind of work. She just smirks and smiles to ‘erself, whispering somethin’ about ‘seek the skulls’ as I leave to find me ship.
I should probably say that I also find it ‘ard to read, so lookin’ at this Pirate Code were a bit of a struggle. I got most of it, I thinks, I know the sea calls to us all, ‘n unites us, but there were something about waves and disputes, and crewmates being equal. Arrr, if any of ’em scallywags so much as looks at me the wrong way, they be walkin’ the plank.
Knowin’ I need to find the right crewmates, I spend a bit o’ time in the local tavern lookin’ for willing buccaneers. Has to spend me last coins on ale and grog to convince ’em, though. Aye, they best be worth it.
I ends up with three fellow pirates, one were called Zebra summin, and then there were this one idiot who says he’s LolzMcDollz and a young, keen lassie named Brenda26145. Dunno why she ‘ad all ’em numbers after ‘er name, she ain’t a prisoner on my ship. Well, unless she disobeys me orders, then she’s goin’ in the brig. Or worse. Har, Har!
When we get on board ship, I realises I didn’t ‘ave a bloody clue how to be a Cap’n. It all sort of dawned on me tha’ I didn’t know what I was doing. I could barely even steer the bloody vessel withou’ crashin’ intae rocks. And they were all lookin’ to me for orders, plot a course, pick a voyage, to ‘ave all the answers. So, naturally, I pulled out me accordion and started playin’. Always do tha’ when I’m nervous. There were a lot o groans.
When we finally left port, raised the anchor, turned the sails and all tha’, it was time to look at the map. I was told to go to Crooks Hollow, so I looked at me compass, looked at the map, looked at me compass again, the map, compass, then pulled out me accordion. Seemed like the obvious thing to do.
Turns out tha’ my crew knew what was going on and sussed me out pretty quick. They were getting restless, frustrated, yelling at me ‘C’moooooooon, what are you dooooooing’, they even used a few swears, tho’ I promised ma’ I wouldn’a write any o’ tha’ in me logs. Not a big fan of the s, f, c, or b words, arrrr. Basically, tho, this all thing seemed hopeless.
Then the weather turned and suddenly, out of the depths of the water, I saw the most incredible thing. A sight that no living man should ever be able to breathe about and no reader can ever truly believe unless they see for themselves. No doubt about it, this were the Kraken.
I know, I know ye won’ believe me, but I seen it with me own two eyes. It’s devastatingly powerful arms flung ’emselves at me and me ship so we dived onto the cannons and fired at will. None of us ‘ad seen anythin’ like it, an’ as much as I wanted to pull out my accordion again, I knew now wasn’t the time. Altho’, I never actually asked if Krakens like music. Coulda saved us a lot of time and trouble….
It were too strong for us, of course. One arm even clenched onto the hull of the ship, trying to drag us under the water. With all me might, I turned the ships’ wheel in the opposite direction and sailed away as fast as I could. The creature tried to surround us with the rest of its arms, but we foun’ a way around and through, and somehow, amazingly, managed to escape with barely a scratch. I ‘ad a feelin’, tho’, this wouldna’ been the last I’d see of the creature. Can’ help but feel I been cursed by tha’ Order of the Souls lady and she’s probably laughin’ to ‘erself at me misfortune.
LolzMcDollz or whatever his bloody name is soon left me, he jumped off at the nearest island, swam to shore and were never seen again. Runnin’ scared, I expect. Never seen the like before. Aye, we better off withou’ the coward. Tho a large black cloud lingered over ‘ead, creepin’ across the sky as we past Castaway Isle and headed toward Crooks Hollow. There were somethin’ ominous in the air that I didn’a like. And I were right…
Me remainin’ crewmates turned into blasted mutineers! One kept tryin’ turn the ship around to an island where they claimed there were ‘lots of treasure’ and another started firin’ on the Old Boot Fort, tempting its protectors to come out and start a blazin’ ship battle. It were absolutely reckless and it took everything not to make me have the fool walk the plank, but our destination were in sight and I knew I’d need them if I had any chance of stoppin’ Cap’n Burton!
On the approach, the island looked so calm and quiet. There weren’t a sight or a sound anywhere, ‘cept for rotten ship wreckage floating on the shore. Where has this woman sent me? What ‘ave I got myself into? We weighed anchor and after a few moment’s hesitation, I dived into the water below and swam up onto the jetty. I ‘ate gettin’ wet.
The crashing waves hadn’t disturbed anyone, tho’. Even the hissing snake up ahead hadn’t noticed me. The last thing I needed were to get bitten by a thing like that. Still it’s too quiet. What is this place?
And where are my crew?? Turnin’ around behind me, I could see the scallywags had started hightailin’ and sailin’ off with my ship. I screamed and shouted, bellowing and even begging them to come back, but they knew what they were doin’. They’d stranded me. I was on me own. And that made the next sight all the more terrifying.
Skeletons. Hordes of them. All armed with swords and covered in torn clothing. I widened me eyes, I couldnae’ believe it. Were this … is this Burton’s crew? Nobody told me I was after the undead. No wonder no other pirate wanted to accept the bounty. Everythin’ made sense. I’d been stitched up, now left to die. With a shrug of me shoulders, I withdrew my battered old cutlass, gripped me hand around the haft of a rusty blunderbuss and fought with everything in me body.
I swiped, n slashed, n bashed n crashed. I lofted the head off the shoulders of one and dug my blade deep into the chest of another. Bones scattered everywhere, coverin’ the coast in a horrifying mess. But they kept comin’, and I knew I were not long left fer this world. I scuttled into a nearby cave, huffing and puffing, breathin’ and gaspin’, but I had to press on. I had to survive. At least now I know a pirate’s life ain’t fer me….
Then that’s when I saw her. The Captain herself, Liz Burton, in her giant hat and large sash. And a thought occurred to me, If I defeat her, I might just make it through this. Defeatin’ her might stop the rest of her crew. On my own, beatin’ down death’s door, with just a few bullets left in me gun, it’s the only chance I ‘ave.
I try to isolate her with my strikes, I dance around the others, mostly ignorin’ ’em and parryin’ the odd blow. I duck n’ weave, swipe n slash, and I can see the plan workin’. I were onto somethin’ if I could ‘ang on just a bit longer.
With one last shot, and a final fierce strike, I laid Cap’n Burton to rest once and fer all. And her crew stopped, startled, stunned, they couldnae believe it. Honestly, neither could I, but they were easy pickin’s for Capn’ TTomlliw. So much for that curse, aye?
Mebbe bein’ a pirate ain’t so bad. Mebbe I’m alright at this. Natural talent perhaps, arrr? ‘Cept, I scours the island to find nothing more than a cannonball and a plank of wood. Perhaps I’ll either get rich or die tryin, eh?
Either way, when I get back to town, I’ll be ‘avin words with this Order of Souls. They’ll ‘ave the shock of their lives when they see me in the flesh. Yar TTomlliw ain’t nobodies fool and every salty sea dog will learn that soon enough!
I just need to find a way back…. Someone, anyone….?
Turn the page to continue the Voyages of Yar TTomlliw …
(These experiences were based on the first two hours of an initial playthrough of Sea of Thieves on launch day. The account is an accurate one, just with added arrrr)